Note: This piece is fictional and is part of our satire section, A Reflective Laugh. Many of our pieces are inspired by real-life experiences and ideas submitted by our community, using satire to explore social and environmental issues. Through humour and wit, we aim to provoke thought, spark conversation and bring awareness to the complexities of the world around us.
Rocky Parker is juggling more than just crime scenes and guitar solos. By day, he’s deep in the gritty world of the criminal justice system, where his love for his job and the brotherhood he's built within his workplace keep him grounded. By night, he’s shredding on his guitar in his part-time band, dreaming of the day he’ll hit the big time. Parker also has a secret weapon: his impeccable sense of humour.
“If I had a dollar for every time someone said ‘you should be on stage,’ I’d have enough to quit my job and actually be on stage,” says Parker, who’s essentially the stand-up comic of the courthouse. “I mean, who else gets to do impressions of the judge while discussing a murder case? I do. Because I’m Rocky, and I’m hilarious.”
Parker’s quick wit and blokey bro charm have turned even the most serious moments into laugh riots. “One minute we’re examining evidence, and the next, Parker’s doing his best Judge Judy,” says his coworker. “It’s impossible not to laugh, even when you're looking at crime scene photos.”
But behind the jokes and the rock star dreams, Parker is hiding the harsh realities of his job. “I see some pretty gnarly stuff,” he admits. “But who wants to hear about that when I can make them laugh instead?”
Parker’s humour is his shield, a way to deflect the darkness of his daily grind. “I figure if I can make people laugh, they’ll never have to know about the things I see,” he says. “Plus, everyone loves the funny guy. And I mean everyone.”
However, Parker's humour isn't just a personal coping mechanism; it’s also a reflection of a broader tendency among his peers. In the high-pressure environment of criminal justice, everyone is looking for a distraction. His coworkers and friends latch onto his jokes like toddlers to their favourite teddy, creating temporary comfort and emotional security.
Parker’s quest for universal adoration doesn’t stop at his workplace. He’s made it his mission to befriend as many famous people as possible. “I’ve got more celebrity selfies than a Hollywood tour guide,” he says. “I’m basically Tinseltown’s honorary funny guy.”
From crashing A-list parties to showing up uninvited at celebrity weddings, Parker’s relentless pursuit of fame and love is driven by a deep-seated need for acceptance. “I never really experienced love growing up,” he confesses. “So now, I want every single person to love me and think of what a funny guy I am.”
Parker has managed to assemble a bizarrely eclectic collection of celebrity friends, which he refers to as his “petting zoo.” “I’ve got a Kardashian, two Hemsworths, and a random assortment of reality TV stars,” he boasts. “We hang out, they laugh at my jokes and occasionally I get invited to their houses to use their pools. It’s a win-win.”
His crowning achievement was convincing Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to join his band for a jam session. “The Rock played the kazoo,” Parker says. “It was magical. I’m pretty sure he’s going to ask to join permanently any day now.”
Despite his fulfilling life within the criminal justice system and the brotherhood he’s built, Parker’s dreams of stardom are never far from his mind. “I love my job and my band, but deep down, I want to be famous,” he says. “And if I have to joke my way to the top, so be it.”
Parker’s not just about the laughs, though. He’s serious about his band, The Funny Boys. “We’re going to be huge,” he says, “or at least get enough gigs to pay for a pint and a good ol' steak.”
Deep down, Parker knows he's not the only one desperately seeking love and acceptance. "Just like me, half of Hollywood is probably one unreturned text away from a full-blown existential crisis," he muses. "We all could use a bit more love, or at least a hug that lasts longer than a celebrity marriage."
Parker's need for love plays out in his romantic relationships as well. “Every girlfriend I’ve ever had, I always tell them, ‘Please love me,’” he admits. “But then I freak out and think, ‘One person loving me is not enough. I need the whole world!’” This insatiable need for validation is driven by his underlying emotional dissociation. It's like trying to quench a desert’s thirst with a squirt gun—good luck with that.
We spoke with one of Parker's ex-girlfriends, who quipped, “Dating Rocky was like dating an undercover agent—he’s fully present with you, but you know he’s leading another life. One moment he's there, and the next, he’s off chasing another dream or cracking another joke.” This detachment turns Parker into a love-sponge with a hole in the middle, soaking up affection but never quite retaining it.
When we tell Parker about his ex’s remarks, he laughs, “I need a constant stream of love to feel alive. Like a reality TV show contestant who needs drama to stay relevant."
Facing the darkness
But what if Parker did some actual shadow work? And no, we’re not talking about chasing people down dark alleys. “Maybe I’d stop needing to be the funny guy all the time,” he says. “Or maybe I’d just have new material for my stand-up routine."
There’s a glimmer of hope that dealing with his traumas could open up a new chapter for Parker, though. “If I could talk about the serious stuff, maybe people would still love me. And who knows, maybe my petting zoo of celebrity friends would finally understand why I always insist on telling knock-knock jokes during dinner parties.”
When asked about his best knock-knock joke, Parker says, "Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"I need."
"I need who?"
"I need you to love me!"
For now, Parker continues to balance his day job with his rock star aspirations, using humour as his lifeline. “Laughter is the best medicine, right?” he says with a grin. “And I’m just here to make sure everyone gets their daily dose.”
As Parker strums his guitar and cracks another joke, he remains the blokey bro everyone loves, hiding his true darkness with every punchline. Because in the end, it’s not just about being the funny guy—it’s about being the funny guy everyone loves. And for Parker, that’s the ultimate goal.
But maybe, just maybe, it's time for everyone, including Parker, to start looking beyond the jokes and address the deeper issues they all share.
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